My Ode To You

 

This is me writing all what I have in mind right now. As people close to me already knew, I live alone. When times get tough, I also wanted to be alone… because that’s just me…. But after that almost half a year of torment plus the sudden devastating news, I just had to let this out.

 

They say that coping with grief and loss has five stages…

 

I was planning long before to update this blog after Jinki’s birthday. I already had so much to say in my mind, drafted them and they were just waiting to be posted. That was until a sad news came, and I can’t believe I am updating something with a heavy heart.

 

Denial and Isolation

 

Up to this point I am still wishing that everything from yesterday was part of a dream, a nightmare, that we will soon be waking up and all else will be okay again.

 

Except it isn’t…

 

Anger

 

The moment an article came up, so many people, even relatives, have been tagging me on facebook posts, messaging even on twitter… Few minutes after, more and more confusing articles are coming out… Some say it’s over, some say you’re still hanging on. I was at work, still busy with something but I am checking twitter every now and then. I am waiting for something official from SM and I dare not to believe any crap at that moment.

 

Bargaining

 

The longer it takes for SM to say something, the greater my anxiety gets. So many articles are already confirming the bad news; but there were others saying the hospital hasn’t confirmed anything yet and that they were trying their everything to revive you… I kept on holding onto that tiny, thread of hope. However small it may be, I am taking it! Coz it’s just the only thing that I can do at that moment, I will not stop hoping… “unless its SM confirming it straight to my face, i’ll continue to hold on to that tiny bit of hope… pls kim jonghyun… ;;;;;;;; pls…..” were my exact tweet…

 

And around 11:44PM KST, that sad confirmation ended it all. SM finally delivered that heartbreaking news crashing our hearts into pieces.

 

Depression

 

Four days after Jinki’s bday… Three days after it was announced that you all FIVE are having a concert in Tokyo and Kyocera Domes… Seven days before Christmas… You finally gave up to that battle you so hardly fought. All these hands reaching out to you, I can’t fathom how you feel that you still chose to let go.

 

Saying ‘I will miss you big time’ is an understatement.  I just wish you are as free as you wanted to be right now… fully-relinquished of all the pain you have been experiencing here the whole time that we haven’t even noticed.

 

I’ve been a SHINee fan for years now… the kind of fan that goes to the extent of travelling to other countries just to see them in their solo concerts more than once or twice year… and as I look over them for years, I can say that the thing between SHINee and Shawols have gone beyond that ‘fan-to-idol’ relationship. Leave both in a cramped space even with no security, and you won’t see a single one of us ravaging our group… And with him passing, it’s as if one of my best friends was gone all over again (yes, /again/ ‘cause I’m that used to losing someone, sadly).

 

Hours I have cried, a bit of sleep, and when I woke up, I kept on thinking if what happened was a dream… Though it isn’t.

 

I was on auto-pilot the whole day. Kept myself busy with work and tons of work. Everyone noticed my eyes, even my boss, so I just reasoned out, saying it’s because of a severe migraine to the point that I cried and could not sleep. No one knew at work that I’m a fangirl, because I always wanted to keep that boundary between my career and personal life… To keep everything I do beyond work, out of work, as they say.

 

I don’t tweet much these days, but I check on any news about him and the schedule of the wake. What is more awful is that we will get to see an OT5 in a way where none of us has imagined. And it is even more upsetting that people only noticed your masterpieces now that you’re gone.

 

It really is sad thinking we were not able to feel what’s going on on your mind… that we could not do even do anything during the hardest times of your life… that we were not of help during the times when you needed it the most… you may not be my bias but still, you are 1/5 of the reason why and how I have held my shit together during the hardest, toughest and most fucked up times of my life… you were one of my pillars, one where I seek refuge into.

 

I will definitely miss you. We WILL definitely miss you. I hope in our own ways, you feel that you are loved, supported. How I wish you never felt alone. Please look over your family and your brothers, as well. Please ask your co-angels to help you look out for them because we all know they are a handful.

 

 

You’ve done well, my bub… You’ve worked hard…

 

You will be missed, SHINee’s clingiest crybaby, Kim Jonghyun… You will be missed…

 

 

Acceptance

…still getting there…

 

ティネでした

[2017.12.19]

 

 

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